It hurt my soul not to be living in integrity.
I hid who I really was and gave my power away to others.
I never told the truth about how I was feeling and what I was thinking so my relationships struggled.
Now what I know for sure is how important it is to powerfully decide to become an authentic woman of integrity. A woman who is soft yet strong, honest, humble, discerning, open, vulnerable, and courageous. A woman who truly loves, respects and honours herself and others.
So today I want to share with you the 5 key qualities that I believe are important to consciously cultivate in order to become a woman of integrity who can create authentic and meaningful relationships in your life.
I initially shared these qualities with the amazing ladies in my free, private Facebook Group ‘Boundary Queen – Authentic Women of Integrity in Relationships’ and you’re welcome to join our community too.
The first quality is of course, honesty.
Can you be honest with yourself about how you feel and what you want, not just in a relationship, but in your whole life?
Because if you can’t be honest with yourself, it’s impossible to be honest with other people.
It just can’t happen.
Everything always starts with telling the truth to yourself.
When you can get right with you, everything else out there will sort themselves out.
And by that I mean being honest about where you’re at, what’s not working for you in your life, what’s not working for you in that particular relationship, what you want to give to that relationship, what you don’t want to give to that relationship.
If someone says to you, ‘How you feeling?’, can you really honestly tell them without dumping your feelings onto them?
A woman of integrity always tells the truth with love, kindness, and discernment, without worrying if the other person thinks she’s a bitch.
The second quality is being responsible.
This is huge.
Without this quality, nothing’s going to change in your life.
It is a big step to say, I’m no longer going to be a victim anywhere in my life.
I think being a victim is such an unconscious behaviour that we’ve all been affected by. It’s a huge part of our conditioning as human beings and women in particular.
Up until now we’ve played the victim role quite regularly and often even when we think we haven’t.
Okay, so you might be feeling like you’re responsible in certain areas of your life and then still feeling like a victim in other areas of your life.
And I’m going to encourage you to get really clean across the board.
Of course, this is not going to happen overnight, but get clean across the board because I brought a responsible person, never blamed anyone for anything they do.
They take full responsibility for their feelings, for their actions, for their own triggers, for their own behaviours, their own choices.
Because this is a really important thing to think about and to consider that yes, in your childhood you were powerless. Yes, you, you have been a victim in your childhood and Mo each and every one of us has.
You were victimized, but it’s your choice whether you stay being a victim, okay?
Because now you’re an adult.
Now you’re a grown up and you have the power to change your mind, to change your perceptions, to change your beliefs, to change the way you look at things.
The ultimate responsibility is to decide what it is you want to experience in your life and who you need to become in order to create that?
Because nothing ever really changes unless you change deeply on the inside and accept the fact that your beliefs create your reality.
I’ll share my own example with you. I was really struggling being married to my husband and all I focused on was all the problems and differences between us.
I believed HE was the problem until I made a conscious decision tofocus instead on all the good things, all the positive things, and only think about our relationship being wonderful.
That’s what I chose to focus on.
And what happened was that became our reality and all the things that I believed were ‘problems’ no longer exist.
We all have that power to choose and be responsible for our thoughts.
So, think about it for a particular relationship that you have.
How responsible are you in that relationship? Is there any blame going on?
Are you stuck in blame?
We blame their partners, our parents, we blame our childhood, we blame our abuse, we blame our past, we blame our partner’s exes, we blame the government, we blame the weather.
We can just go on and on and on. But any time you’re in blame, you’re not taking responsibility for your power to change that situation, to create what you want in that situation.
The third quality is respect.
Respect says I’m always going to be kind to myself and others.
I am not going to put myself down.
I’m not going to put another person down.
I’m not going to be rude to anyone.
I’m not going to think that I’m better than anyone.
It’s choosing to believe that everyone is doing the best that they can.
So, if someone is triggering you, you acknowledge they’re doing the best they can.
And you take responsibility for dealing with your trigger.
You have to own that. They can’t push a button if you don’t have any buttons to push.
So, it’s your responsibility to fix your buttons, right?
The fourth quality is authenticity.
How real are you?
Ask yourself, ‘Have I really been showing up in every relationship as who I am really am?’
Or have you been a chameleon who morphs into who you think you need to be to get someone’s approval?
Authentic means, this is who I am. I am the same me wherever I go, whatever role that I’m in, I’m the same me everywhere.
When you are authentic people ‘get you’ at a deeper level and feel more connected with you.
If you’re not being authentic people can feel that and struggle to understand you and connect with you.
So, how many masks are you wearing?
And are you prepared to let those masks go and be the same person?
The fifth quality is humility.
How humble are you?
Humility means being able to say, ‘You know what? I’m not going to focus on what everybody else’s faults are. I’m actually going to turn it around and focus on the things that I need to improve on”
It brings you down to this place of being equal to everybody.
No comparison, no competition.
And if somebody says, ‘Wow, you’re so amazing’, you just say ‘Thanks’
The compliment doesn’t blow up your ego because you’re not trying to get anyone’s approval anymore.
You’ve made the decision that you’re going to be the best person you can be and you’re going to do the right thing in life because it’s the right thing.
And when you do the right thing, life is so much more enjoyable, so much more pleasant.
I personally made the decision to be a woman of integrity because I didn’t want to have any regrets at the end of my life. I want to know I gave it my best, I gave it my all.
Because I used to be so far out of integrity in my relationships.
When I was stuck in a cycle of co-dependency and love addiction, I was so far out of integrity it physically hurt me on the inside. (If you want to read my story of recovery just click here.
I always had this pain in my solar plexus, I was sick in my guts and my head was spinning all the time.
And guess what?
I made everything all about me.
All I cared about was getting someone to like me, to love me.
I didn’t care about them.
I took no responsibility to find a sense of peace and power within myself to love myself, respect myself, care for myself.
I would use people, so I know what it feels like to be so far out of integrity.
It’s incredibly painful and I made a decision a long time ago I was not going to live in that pain anymore.
And one of the first things I had to learn was to humbly apologize.
I used to believe my husband should apologize first, even if there wasn’t anything that he really had to apologize for.
Then I decided that I would apologize first because it’s the right thing to do. And not only is it the right thing to do, it makes me feel better instantly and helps me move on.
So, I chose to apologize with no expectation of an apology in return.
The funny thing is that for a long time my husband wouldn’t apologize back, but we had this fight the other day, and I realized things have changed.
We had this fight and I was sure that I hadn’t done anything wrong, he was just in a really bad mood. So, I said, ‘Darling, I think it’s best not to talk about this right now”.
Anyway, he was still cranky, so he went and slept on the couch. I still don’t know why.
But in the morning, I’m standing in the kitchen and he comes up to me and apologizes! He said, “I’m sorry I was a bit of an asshole last night. I don’t really understand why I was doing what I was. I was trying to pick a fight, but I don’t know why. But it’s all my fault. Will you please accept my apology?”
I love experiencing this kind of miracle in my relationship.
Did you know a miracle is simply a shift in perception from fear to love?
An authentic woman of integrity chooses love first at all times. And with love comes power and freedom.
YOUR NEXT STEP
Are you ready to transform into an Authentic Woman of Integrity too?
I invite you to download my free audio training & eWorkbook ‘Be a Woman of Integrity: The 3 Hidden Ways a Woman Gives Her Power Away and How to Take Yours Back’
You’ll uncover three hidden ways you’ve been giving your power away (without even knowing it) and learn what you need to do right here and right now to take it back and take back control of your life.
I hope this blog has been of service to you. I invite you to comment your experiences or thoughts on this topic below.
You do have the power to just be you.
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I really look forward to seeing you become a ‘Boundary Queen’ too.
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